I noticed something this week: when we count up, numbers seem bigger than when we count down. Today is my 35th birthday. Since I’ve only ever been younger than 35, it has always sounded “old.” I start doing math such as “I’m halfway to 70.” Woah. On the other hand, when we count down 35 seems pretty small. If my phone battery is at 35% I’m hunting for a charger because 35% is basically zero.
What does it mean to be truly happy? Am I? Are you? For me, writing this post today is a micro-journey in trying to find out. Join me!
Reflecting on What I’ve Done
I thought that the first thing I’d think of would be some professional or academic achievement. After all, I’ve spent a lot of time working on big, difficult goals. Instead, the thing that first jumped into my head was a rapid-fire slide show of fun moments: tailgating for a football game, taking my girlfriend to see a band play in a local bar, jumping into a water-filled quarry, my first night in a hostel in Paris, Thanksgiving with my family in Colonial Williamsburg, New Year’s Eve in a New York City Comedy Club, camping under the stars in Big Bend, a Fall afternoon lounging with my son in a hammock, my other son laughing hysterically when mommy flips her hair around.
If I tried listing all of the experiences that seem important, this would be a pretty long post. I think what means the most to me is that I haven’t always gotten it right, but I’ve always been willing to change when I notice that I am off course. I was a workaholic, obsessed with my career – right up until I was confronted with what it would cost me. I was broke and buried in bills, blaming the world for my financial fitness – until the moment I realized that my situation was my fault.
Embracing Where I Am
Today I am a 35 year old husband, dad, brother, son, friend, engineering professor, and small (tiny) business owner. I have a hobby that I am passionate about because it challenges me, and I’m making progress. I don’t work long hours, but I try to go above and beyond every day in my career. We’ve paid off all of the debt in our lives, could survive about 6 months without an income, and are saving aggressively for retirement and for a first house.
When I really get down to it, I feel like I am just getting started. I’m a couple months into a new job that’s in a field I am just beginning to explore. My financial goals are mostly in front of me, not behind. My kids are young, my marriage is young. I’d say that I am an experienced novice in my hobby. I founded my business but its not really up and running yet.
I think that the secret to having done as much as I have is that I always have a bigger, more exciting goal in mind. Goals are mile markers, not destinations.
Am I happy? Yes. Yes! But I do wonder for how long. Maybe I’ve always been happy, but I am more excited about my circumstances these days than I have been for a while. I wonder if you can be fully happy in different aspects of your life, or if its an all-or-nothing deal. Yet today there is very little I would change – a weird paradox given that I am working so hard for the next big thing.
Perhaps the biggest lesson I’ve been able to articulate for myself in the last year is that happiness comes from within, not from the outside. If my circumstances must be a certain way for me to be happy, then I’ve placed my joy in the hands of others – and of random chance. I cannot control the weather. I cannot control the actions of the 7 billion people I share this planet with. If that’s what is required for me to be happy, then I have some growth to do.
Inspired by Where I’m Headed
When I imagine the future I am working towards, I have a hard time not wishing I was there already. I can’t wait to see the results of my current projects – I’m training for a climbing goal, proposing new innovations for teaching engineering, and finalizing my first product for sale in my business. My kids are growing at an alarming rate and turning out to be pretty cool people. I can’t wait to get to know them better. My wife is everything I wish I could be, and after 13 years together all I want is to be closer to her.
Somehow I am both fully content with things as they are, and fully dissatisfied. I’d be OK if this was it, but as long as I am able I want to make a bigger impact. I want to experience more that this world has to offer. Is happiness being satisfied? I don’t think so – no one can reach a destination and be content to stay there forever. Is it having no regrets? Doubtful, because that bases your happiness on a past that is unchangeable.
Conclusion
I think happiness might be “progress”: the feeling I have when I get a result, based on an intentional action, that moves me towards a goal I am passionate about. Whether that goal is raising my children, being fully united with my wife, climbing a big rock, or teaching the next generation of students how to operate this world, it is the feedback I get from trying something new that gives me joy.
Yet that’s not the entire picture either. I am not unhappy when I try something and I don’t get the result I was hoping for. Maybe happiness is learning – whether it worked or not, I learned something and I find joy in having made an attempt. My graduate advisor used to say, “I’m still trying to learn something” when asked why he kept working into his eighties.
The earth travels an orbit that is 584 million miles long each year. I’ve taken that trip 35 times. It makes the 100 miles I ran in 2019 feel pretty small. Yet that’s more than the 84 miles I ran in 2018, which was far more than the zero miles I ran in 2017. Progress. Learning.
If someone asks me, “are you happy?” I think I’ll answer by saying, “I’m learning (so, yes).” 😉
